So, I'm way overdue for an update. haha.

Ok, so schoolwise things are starting to come to a close. I pretty much have nothing left to do except show up, which is nice. And then finals start next week, which I will definitely have to study for but its ok because I have more than enough time to finish everything. I have to say this is the most relaxed semester at CSU that I've ever had, which is great. Graduation is on the 10th of December. I won't be walking because I decided last semester to save the money on robes and stuff. Still, now that its getting closer I kind of wish that I was. I'm not one for sentimental stuff usually, but I do admit that I'm proud to be graduating. I only had to stay for an extra semester too and I think that all in all thats pretty good.

ok moving on to other things. My audition for The Barter Company is coming up in a week or so. I'm excited/nervous about it. I really hope I do well. I think I'm going to ask Kate to watch my material so that I can have an outside opinion. Also, I need to remember to book my hotel. This audition starts my first one as a professional actress. Exciting.

Ok, I'm hesitant to put this down on here because I'm superstitious but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. Zack makes me really happy. I'm constantly surprised by our relationship and how it has turned into more than what I thought it would be. Its the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I'm just really content with where we are right now. :)
Thats all I'm gonna say on that matter though. I don't want to jinx myself.

The last thing I'm gonna say is that Robin got a puppy yesterday and it is so so so so so so SO SO cute. His name is Percival Corndog Lyles and he is perfect. I love dogs so much and its nice having one in our house.

Curbside Prophet.

Hmm what to write about....my life has been pretty hum drum lately. Spelling Bee is over. No more theatre classes. I'm just finishing up some main campus classes in order to graduate. I know...I'm bored too. haha.

Ummm...lets see. I went to Savannah to audition for GTC. This was my third year going and I was feeling pretty confident about the audition. When I got up there though I messed up and sang off key. It really shocked me. I don't sing off key very often...barely ever so it sucked that one of the only times that has happened was for an important audition. I was hoping maybe my monologue would be enough to get me through but it wasn't. I was not passed on. I tried not to let it affect me too much. I mean yeah it sucks but GTC is not the end all be all. My career will go on. Still, its hard not to beat myself up a little bit. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my work and it has been a really long time since I've blown an audition like that. I'm just trying not to get too hung up on it.

Good news though! I got nominated for ACTF for my performance in Spelling Bee. That is very exciting to me. It is such an honor and I'm very proud of myself, as well as EJ for getting nominated too. Its always nice to have your hard work recognized by other people. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to go or not because it is next semester and I will no longer be at CSU, but if I have no jobs lined up then I don't see why I shouldn't. I'm just going to treat it like I am going until I find out about future work, which means finding scenes and a partner. Yay for something to do! lol.

Other news, I am currently in a new relationship. This is not where I thought I would be at all when I started this semester, but I can't deny that I'm pleased by it. Still, I've been struggling with getting used to it. After Eddie I spent a year learning to be independant. I had to rediscover myself and now that I'm starting a new relationship I'm scared of losing everything I've worked on. I'm sure it won't happen because I'm conscious of it, but after spending so much time working on being alone it is weird to let another person in. Not to mention I have serious trust issues so I'm kind of scared of getting hurt. My philosophy though is to take it one day at a time. I've been very happy with everything so far so I'm excited to see where it goes. :)

anyways...now you are all caught up on my life. The end.

The Other Side of This Life

So,


it's been awhile. Time to catch everybody up on my life. Haha...not that anybody who reads this doesn't already know what's going on in it.





1) Spelling Bee is over. First of all I want to say that I am so incredibly grateful to Dureyea, Kate, and Michael for casting me as Olive. I have worked very hard at CSU and given this school so much of my time and energy, but I never seemed to feel like I got much back from them. Now I'm not complaining because I have been cast a multitude of times and I'm very grateful for that, but after four years of getting the same kind of parts over and over again I was longing to see some progress. I wanted to know that my work was being acknowledged and that I was improving and not just at a stand still. Before this show started, I had even begun to doubt myself and whether I was doing the right thing with my life. This part really gave me that opportunity and also helped me prove to some people (including myself) that I am talented and in the right profession. Honestly, I think it was the perfect show to end my college career with. Thanks to everybody who was a part of it, and also everybody who supported me by coming to see it and listening to me talk about it during the rehearsal process. I really appreciate it.





2) Classes are hum drum boring. I am doing what I need to do to get by but honestly not much is required of me. It's just a matter of showing up and taking an online quiz every now and then. Honestly, I'm feeling really bored. I have so much free time on my hands and not much to do with it. I mean I'm going to start auditioning for things if I can but so far I haven't really found anything that I am available for just yet. I am also feeling kind of lonely. I am very seperated from a lot of my friends because I don't live downtown anymore. I have a lot more time now, but my friends don't because they are all busy with the Crucible now. I'm sure I will find some way to occupy my time though. I hope so at least or I might go insane from boredom.

Everything's Coming Up Roses!

Soooooo,
I know I write in this like never because I'm awful at blogging. But I woke up at 9am today, which I guess is sleeping in for me lately (I know...it's ridiculous) so I figured I would update anybody who reads this on my life so far.

Spelling Bee- Its going well. Extremely well. We had our first full run of the show the other day off book which is incredible. It goes up at the end of the month which is hard to believe, but I feel like we are in a really good place for it. Its been interesting being in this show, because I have been obsessed with this show for years. Olive is a difficult character to play. This show has many caracitures. They are big and over the top and extremely funny. Olive is more down to earth. She is funny but in more of a cutesy sad way than the rest. Sometimes I feel like I get lost on that stage with everybody else up there doing such big things all the time. But I need to learn to just trust what I'm doing and know that it will come across in the right way.
Also, the I LOVE YOU SONG is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to act. It's so stationary and is all of me reacting to what my fantasy parents are telling me over and over again. I'm trying but it is turning out to be a very frustrating process. Still, I know that I will nail it eventually and when I do I know that the whole audience's heart will break. That song is one of the most emotional and beautiful songs I've ever heard so if done right if can be extremely moving. I'm really excited that I get to perform it. I will say that I feel very good about how I sound...its been awhile since I've gotten to really sing and now that I am again my voice is back and powerful and I'm loving it. I'm very proud so far and I can't wait for my friends and family to come see the work I've done and hopefully see that I've improved and grown! :)

School- is going so incredibly well too. I'm really enjoying not having any theatre classes. I mean I've never been a fan of main campus and I'm still not really, but its actually kind of nice not knowing what is going down at the theatre department right now. I mean I don't see people as much which is kind of sad, but I'm also not involved with all the drama so thats definitely a plus. I see the people who I really want to see, but for right now I'm just focusing on getting my school work done and graduating on time. I had a jury with Kate, Larry, and Michael for GTC. (They are starting us really early this year). They didn't like my pieces which I'm not surprised about because I didn't like my peices either. But Kate mentioned a company that I might be right for after graduation and she offered to set me up on an interview with them which is REALLY EXCITING! I still would really love to have a job after I graduate so I will jump at any opportunity given to me.

Personal Life- My personal life is wonderful. I really love my roommates a lot and I feel like we have a very happy household for the time being. I've been hanging out with my other friends, some of them old like Kristofor and India, and other ones that I made over the summer like Joey. Its hard for me to hang out with a whole lot of people though because I'm so busy with rehearsals and it takes up a lot of my nights. Once Spelling Bee is over though then I will have more time to be social with people. Still I'm perfectly content at the moment. I've been talking to this guy who I really like. Its nothing huge, just a casual thing....but honestly it's perfect for where I am at right now. I'm not in a very relationship kind of mindset at the time being. My mother says that I'm like that because I've been burned and I suspect that she's right. Still, its nice to have somebody to spend time with who's company I enjoy.

So to sum up this entry. My life is splendid. I'm happier than I've been in a long long time. Also, I'm super excited to go to Atlanta today and see Caleb's show and then spend time with some wonderful friends. YAY! :)

So,

Its been forever since I've blogged so this might be a long one and seem kind of scattered. Plus I'm in a very scattered mood right now. Last night I went out with my friends and got reaaally drunk. Like very very drunk. This resulted in impulsiveness on my part and me making dumb decisions. Its so weird because most of the time when I drink I can be a lot of fun and also be responsible but every now and then I get a bit wild and thats when things go badly. I'm really just very embarrassed. I'm worried I might have ruined a certain thing too that I was kind of happy about because of my actions...which is never a good feeling. I really hope that I didn't...but Idk.

Otherwise life is going pretty well. I have a very light load of classes and then Spelling Bee Rehearsals which I feel pretty good about so far. Once it's over I'm really not sure what I'm going to do though, I'm going to have so much free time. Weird to think about...being in school and actually having free time to do whatever I want. I'll probably just look up auditions and start auditioning for everything and anything I can.

anyways...I'm gonna go now. Peace.

Like Humans Do

First of all I just want to say that Emily and Mac's wedding was beautiful and I am so happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm really so incrediblly happy for them. :)

I was so exhuasted after the wedding that I went to bed almost as soon as I got home. Then I woke up at 2:30am because I had a sad dream. In this dream Eddie and I met up and had this talk and basically reconciled everything and were friends again. Then he told me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and sobbed in my arms and I held him and comforted him. Sometimes I hate my subconcious. I am moving on with my life and can honestly say that I'm happier right now without him in it, but every now and then he will pop up in my dreams and we'll either reconcile or fight. It always upsets me when this happens. I'd much rather dream about exciting adventures or romantic rendezvous and not real life problems that I have. I think its just my self conscious remindined me that I've never been ok with leaving people with bad feelings...but what can I really do in real life. He won't talk to me. He won't listen to me. He won't see what he's becoming. So...best to say nothing and focus on me. I wish my self conscious would get the memo.

So anyways...I've been up since about 2:30am and I was talking to Anthony online for awhile and he mentioned writing poetry. So I went searching in my xanga for poems that I have written over the year...and can I just say that what I found there was amazing. I've had a xanga since at least my senior year in high school and I've written in it pretty regularly and it is amazing the difference my personality has gone through. The years with Eddie were plagued with sad posts and "I'm feeling worthless entries" where in high school I was posting about being successful and happy all the time. I would really like to get back to this happy go lucky girl who had so much faith in people and zest for life.

anyways I thought that I would share this post of mine from high school because it made me smile. Here you go.

"Right now...I've managed to stop and make a lot of realizations. I'm a beautiful person. My friends are beautiful people...although we all make mistakes here and there(definatly including me). My life is a beautiful thing. Life itself is a beautiful thing.
How often do people stop and think about this. People get so caught up in the stress and the fakeness and the hustle and bustle of their schedules....of themselves. It makes me sick to see people just pretending to really live their lives. Pretending to be friends with people. Pretending that they are happy.
Wake up! Its all a dream. People are living in their own fantasy world...involving their own tragedies that they create when they want to shake up their lives. All those people who are so self absorbed with their own problems....there are millions of people dying every day. Be Thankful! You have everything you need to be happy handed to right to you.

"Love yourself. Even if the rest of the world abandons you, you will still be loved."

"Measure your life in love"

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself." (yes...I AM quoting the Bible)"


Guilty as charged. I have become what I hated. haha. But the good news is there is always room for improvement. People can change. That's part of what makes them so beautiful. So that is what I'm going to try and do. Change. Change back to this person who loved herself and all those she involved herself with.

and now...I am going to try to go back to sleep....because it is 6:45am and although in London it is a new day...here it is still night. So goodnight!

I'm Back. I'm Back.

So,
I'm back from London. The past three weeks were absolutely incredble. Sometimes I can't even believe that it happened. It all feels like a big dream sometimes. I learned so much. So so so much about Shakespeare, Art, History, Culture, and myself. I learned a lot about myself.

Its kind of depressing being back. I'm just so used to being in a place now where things are happening. Where I constantly have something to do and then I come back here and I just end up sitting around and doing nothing. I've realized that I thrive off of being busy. I always complain about never having any free time...but the truth is that when I do have free time I'm absolutely miserable. I am looking forward to going back to Columbus and seeing my friends. I've missed them a lot. It woud be nice if I could get a job too...just saying.

Still haven't heard from that theatre in California. I'm not sure if that is a bad sign or not. I really really want a job. Anyways...I'm going to try and find something to do. I need to go shopping I know that and clean out my car. So farewell for now.

I got sunshine on a cloudy day

A picture from the APO Ball from last night.

(Me and Emily)

So. the time has come finally. I'm moving out of this weird cloud of depression that I've seemed to be in and am now in a good mood again. THANK THE LORD! haha.

So I have a lot to talk about so I'm going to do this numbered cuz it helps me to organize my thoughts better.

1) Asleep on the Wind went really really well. My dad came and saw it which was nice because I wanted at least one of my parents to see that I can actually sort of kind of act. haha. I mean I know they have seen me in a ton of things but ever since college all I have ever really done is ensmble work in a show. Don't get me wrong...I like being ensemble. Its fun. But it doesn't really stretch my acting abilities all that much. It was nice to have a role where I got to do some actual work. I felt good about the performance and I'm really glad I was given the opportunity.

2) London is coming up so so so incredibly soon. I leave in about two weeks actually. I AM SO EXCITED for this. This trip has been quite a struggle for me. Just scrounging the money together (which I really need to thank my parents for more than anything for helping me pay for this) and getting all the paperwork in...which I still need to finish up on. I also have to make sure my tuition is paid for too. But now that it is actually so close I seriously cannot wait. I know...KNOW that I'm going to have a good time and learn so much and get to experience so many things. Plus...think about all those great pictures that I get to take and be a part of! (haha I know I'm weird...but pictures are so exciting!)

3) I feel really gross lately. I need to start working out again. I want a gym membership so badly but I'm pretty positive that I can't afford it. But there is a gym in my apartment complex that I will try and use once I move there. I just need to feel good about my body again. I'm not saying that I have a terrible body. Its nice for what it is...but I definitely know that it could be a lot healthier and more toned. I want to try to get to a place where I feel good and healthy about myself. I'm really excited about living with Janine and Robin because I really think they will help motivate me to care more about what I eat and working out and just life in general. It helps to surround yourself with positive energy. The hardest part...cutting back on soda.

4) I need a job. and I will get one. No more depending on my parents for money. Actually being able to buy myself a couple luxury items every now and then, instead of just getting what I need to survive. I can't wait. Seriously the second I get back from London I am applying anywhere and everywhere. This will happen.

5) I'm going to get a puppy. My dad says that it will limit where I can get a job later on in my life...being an actress and all. I know this. I don't care. When you grow up with dogs your whole life and then have to live without them for four years it can be really lonely. I'm just so used to have that companionship and I want it back. Plus I will finally be able to have a job so that I will have the money to take care of it and also a lot more time on my hands than I'm used to. I think it will be the perfect time to get a dog. It will happen.

Ok so anyways thats all I have to say for the time being. See I said that a positive post was coming soon and I was right! :)

I'm upset right now. idk. I know its stupid...but I failed my room inspection...and yes I know that my room is messy right now. A lot messier than I usually let it get...but seriously with this semester and Crazy For You and getting hurt every 5 seconds or sick idk...I've just had trouble keeping up. With anything and everything lately and so its just annoying that now I have 1 more thing that I have to take care of.

I feel like I'm falling apart lately. I'm not sure why...I've always been well put together and really cared about doing well in school and stuff but lately I just don't give a shit. Idk...I'm just having a hard time I guess. I'm just frustrated with a lot of things. I'm ready for good things to happen to me right now. I need good things to happen for me. I need a pick me up. I'm excited about moving over the summer and living with people who are good influences on me. I'm hoping I can channel some of their positive energy and get motivated again.

My Tea's Gone Cold I'm Wondering Why?

...The people who live above me are having very loud sex...this happens quite frequently. Just thought I'd share...haha.

So...lately I have been in a weird funk where I don't want to do anything. Its weird because I've been making all of these new friends and I love hanging out with them. Its not that I'm not happy...I just don't know whats wrong with me really. I think I'm just tired of working my ass off for this school....and I'm tired of people's drama and I'm tired of not having a best friend who I can truly just relax with and go to when I'm upset. Its rough...handling things on your own. I'm not used to it and my solution has been to just push my feelings and emotions down to where I can't feel them anymore. But every now and then they come bubbling up to the surface and I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes. It doesn't happen often and they don't last very long before I push them down again...but I guess tonight is one of those nights where they are trying to make themselves known.

Its funny...because I remember when I was with Eddie sometimes I would just cry all night long. I couldn't stop crying. Sometimes I feel like I cried all my tears away over those three years. Tears full of self loathing and guilt and hurt. I don't feel any of those things anymore. My life is better....I just feel like something is missing from it. Maybe that closeness with another person.

But see...I've been noticing that I tend to push men away lately. At least straight men anyways...I refuse to let myself get close to them because they scare me. I'm not ready to give a man any kind of power over my emotions. I know its bad of me to feel that way...but really can you blame me? After all the sacrifices I made just to get my heart broken in the end. Why put myself in a position where that can happen to me again. I have trust issues like crazy is basically what I'm trying to say here.


So yeah...thats all I'm going to write about today. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile but I've been crazy busy with a million different things. Hope this entry wasn't too entirely depressing. Next time I will try to write a more positive one, because believe me I am usually more happy than I am sad most of the time.

I Am Gonna Make It Through This Year, If It Kills Me.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Extremely overwhelmed.

I have so much going on right now. Literally with Crazy for You, 19 hours, and my Senior Acting Recital I barely have any time to breathe or think. I also spent my entire weekend doing One Act callbacks which all in all I feel pretty ok about. I would like very much like to be cast but if it doesn't work out that way then it might be a good thing too because of how incredibly busy I am. Still, I welcome any opportunity I get to work on my acting.

I just hope that I can get everything done on time in order to graduate. I'm stressin big time.
SETC is coming up soon and I'm excited although very stressed about it. It seems like everybody went and found people to room with and drive up there with except for me. Luckily I found Janine but I would still like to fill our room completely so it would be cheaper, still, two is better than one so I will be grateful for what I can find. I really hope that I can line up a job right out of college.

Also London is coming up very soon and I'm very excited!
Ok well I have to go make a to do list right now so until next time I write...which who knows when that will be since I have no time. haha.

Au Revoir!

Goal of the Week.

CLEAN MY ROOM AND GET EVERYTHING IN ORDER!

Catch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Pocket.

I'm mainly trying to fill time before class. I got up waaaay earlier than I needed to today although its kind of nice cuz it gives me time for my hair to dry which takes forever of course.

So my plan to stay positive this week...it failed. Majorly. I blame the tell Eddie what I really think plan. It didn't go well. Why did I think it would? Some people just can't seem to communicate with each other no matter how hard we try. Its like we are speaking a different language sometimes. He will never understand where I'm coming from. I'm trying to accept that even though its really hard. I just have a lot of trouble letting go...especially when I still care.

but anyways enough of that. I went out on Saturday night with Robin and Richard. Then we met up with Liz, Stephanie, Heather, and Taylor at the Loft. It was really fun. I had a good time. I have to say its really nice having friends here in Columbus. Even if I'm not that close to some of them...its nice to have people to talk to when I'm having a bad day and then people to go be silly with and hang out with on a regular basis. I have to say that its the best thing that has come out of everything that has happened with Eddie. I have real friends here....a good number of them...which I haven't had since my freshman year really. I was so isolated for so long and so unhappy. Its nice to get to be me again.

anyways I have to go catch the shuttle now for math class. *sigh* math....lol.

My goals for the week.
1) To continue to work out at least a little bit even though Crazy for You rehearsals have started.
2) To make time for my friends even though I'm incredibly busy
3) To tell Eddie what I really think.
4) To do my best at homework, school in general, and the million other things that I have to do.
5) To give myself alone time when I need it and not worry about dissapointing people
6) To Stay positive no matter what.

Last night was my negativity night. I cried, broke down, and gave into the stress. Now that thats over, its time to refocus. I will make it through this semester. It will happen. The end.

Exhausted.

So...it is the third day back at school and I am completely tuckered out already. I'm actually kind of starting to worry about this semester because
1) I have yet to have some time to myself in the evenings even though I have a private room...I see this as both a good thing and a bad thing.
2) Some of my classes are going to be really tough. Particularly the theatre classes this semester.
3) I haven't even factored in rehearsals yet and those are going to be really rough I can tell.

Still I am enjoying my time back in Columbus. It is nice to have a private room so far because at least I do get a little bit of time to myself even if it is just a few minutes before I fall asleep and also I don't get woken up anymore. Thank goodness because I'm going to need a good nights sleep every night to get me through all of this.

I feel like turning 22 has brought responsibility into my life. People always ask you if you feel different after your birthdays. "How does it feel being 22 now?" I say that it feels like being an adult. An actual adult who has to make hard decisions and be responsible. This is something I am starting to realize and put into effect now.

Anyways...I just thought I would give a little update. But seriously I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard so I'm going to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!

Random Thoughts

Ok here are a couple of random thoughts.

1) I am soo excited about studying abroad. I seriously LOVE to travel and I can't wait for all the learning opportunities that will be available to me overseas. I mean this scholasticly (sp?) and also life experiences. I just want it to hurry up and get here.

2) It has been nice seeing my friends from high school. They are good people. :)

3) I am wondering how the hell I'm going to get through this upcoming semester. Even my weekends for the entire semester are completely booked almost with social events, auditions, and conferences/school requirements.

4) The more time I spend being single the more the thought of committment terrifies me. I like being close to men and to have them be invested in me but I don't want to actually invest my feelings into them. Does that make me a bad person or a smart person?

5)I don't want to live at home once I graduate...but it wouldn't make sense for me not to when I'm trying to save up money.

6)I need to drink more water. It would be good for me.

7) I am addicted to looking at expensive clothes online that I could never afford without winning the lottery.


yeah ok thats about it for now.