My Tea's Gone Cold I'm Wondering Why?

...The people who live above me are having very loud sex...this happens quite frequently. Just thought I'd share...haha.

So...lately I have been in a weird funk where I don't want to do anything. Its weird because I've been making all of these new friends and I love hanging out with them. Its not that I'm not happy...I just don't know whats wrong with me really. I think I'm just tired of working my ass off for this school....and I'm tired of people's drama and I'm tired of not having a best friend who I can truly just relax with and go to when I'm upset. Its rough...handling things on your own. I'm not used to it and my solution has been to just push my feelings and emotions down to where I can't feel them anymore. But every now and then they come bubbling up to the surface and I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes. It doesn't happen often and they don't last very long before I push them down again...but I guess tonight is one of those nights where they are trying to make themselves known.

Its funny...because I remember when I was with Eddie sometimes I would just cry all night long. I couldn't stop crying. Sometimes I feel like I cried all my tears away over those three years. Tears full of self loathing and guilt and hurt. I don't feel any of those things anymore. My life is better....I just feel like something is missing from it. Maybe that closeness with another person.

But see...I've been noticing that I tend to push men away lately. At least straight men anyways...I refuse to let myself get close to them because they scare me. I'm not ready to give a man any kind of power over my emotions. I know its bad of me to feel that way...but really can you blame me? After all the sacrifices I made just to get my heart broken in the end. Why put myself in a position where that can happen to me again. I have trust issues like crazy is basically what I'm trying to say here.


So yeah...thats all I'm going to write about today. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile but I've been crazy busy with a million different things. Hope this entry wasn't too entirely depressing. Next time I will try to write a more positive one, because believe me I am usually more happy than I am sad most of the time.