My Tea's Gone Cold I'm Wondering Why?

...The people who live above me are having very loud sex...this happens quite frequently. Just thought I'd share...haha.

So...lately I have been in a weird funk where I don't want to do anything. Its weird because I've been making all of these new friends and I love hanging out with them. Its not that I'm not happy...I just don't know whats wrong with me really. I think I'm just tired of working my ass off for this school....and I'm tired of people's drama and I'm tired of not having a best friend who I can truly just relax with and go to when I'm upset. Its rough...handling things on your own. I'm not used to it and my solution has been to just push my feelings and emotions down to where I can't feel them anymore. But every now and then they come bubbling up to the surface and I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes. It doesn't happen often and they don't last very long before I push them down again...but I guess tonight is one of those nights where they are trying to make themselves known.

Its funny...because I remember when I was with Eddie sometimes I would just cry all night long. I couldn't stop crying. Sometimes I feel like I cried all my tears away over those three years. Tears full of self loathing and guilt and hurt. I don't feel any of those things anymore. My life is better....I just feel like something is missing from it. Maybe that closeness with another person.

But see...I've been noticing that I tend to push men away lately. At least straight men anyways...I refuse to let myself get close to them because they scare me. I'm not ready to give a man any kind of power over my emotions. I know its bad of me to feel that way...but really can you blame me? After all the sacrifices I made just to get my heart broken in the end. Why put myself in a position where that can happen to me again. I have trust issues like crazy is basically what I'm trying to say here.


So yeah...thats all I'm going to write about today. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile but I've been crazy busy with a million different things. Hope this entry wasn't too entirely depressing. Next time I will try to write a more positive one, because believe me I am usually more happy than I am sad most of the time.

I Am Gonna Make It Through This Year, If It Kills Me.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Extremely overwhelmed.

I have so much going on right now. Literally with Crazy for You, 19 hours, and my Senior Acting Recital I barely have any time to breathe or think. I also spent my entire weekend doing One Act callbacks which all in all I feel pretty ok about. I would like very much like to be cast but if it doesn't work out that way then it might be a good thing too because of how incredibly busy I am. Still, I welcome any opportunity I get to work on my acting.

I just hope that I can get everything done on time in order to graduate. I'm stressin big time.
SETC is coming up soon and I'm excited although very stressed about it. It seems like everybody went and found people to room with and drive up there with except for me. Luckily I found Janine but I would still like to fill our room completely so it would be cheaper, still, two is better than one so I will be grateful for what I can find. I really hope that I can line up a job right out of college.

Also London is coming up very soon and I'm very excited!
Ok well I have to go make a to do list right now so until next time I write...which who knows when that will be since I have no time. haha.

Au Revoir!

Goal of the Week.

CLEAN MY ROOM AND GET EVERYTHING IN ORDER!

Catch A Falling Star and Put It In Your Pocket.

I'm mainly trying to fill time before class. I got up waaaay earlier than I needed to today although its kind of nice cuz it gives me time for my hair to dry which takes forever of course.

So my plan to stay positive this week...it failed. Majorly. I blame the tell Eddie what I really think plan. It didn't go well. Why did I think it would? Some people just can't seem to communicate with each other no matter how hard we try. Its like we are speaking a different language sometimes. He will never understand where I'm coming from. I'm trying to accept that even though its really hard. I just have a lot of trouble letting go...especially when I still care.

but anyways enough of that. I went out on Saturday night with Robin and Richard. Then we met up with Liz, Stephanie, Heather, and Taylor at the Loft. It was really fun. I had a good time. I have to say its really nice having friends here in Columbus. Even if I'm not that close to some of them...its nice to have people to talk to when I'm having a bad day and then people to go be silly with and hang out with on a regular basis. I have to say that its the best thing that has come out of everything that has happened with Eddie. I have real friends here....a good number of them...which I haven't had since my freshman year really. I was so isolated for so long and so unhappy. Its nice to get to be me again.

anyways I have to go catch the shuttle now for math class. *sigh* math....lol.

My goals for the week.
1) To continue to work out at least a little bit even though Crazy for You rehearsals have started.
2) To make time for my friends even though I'm incredibly busy
3) To tell Eddie what I really think.
4) To do my best at homework, school in general, and the million other things that I have to do.
5) To give myself alone time when I need it and not worry about dissapointing people
6) To Stay positive no matter what.

Last night was my negativity night. I cried, broke down, and gave into the stress. Now that thats over, its time to refocus. I will make it through this semester. It will happen. The end.

Exhausted.

So...it is the third day back at school and I am completely tuckered out already. I'm actually kind of starting to worry about this semester because
1) I have yet to have some time to myself in the evenings even though I have a private room...I see this as both a good thing and a bad thing.
2) Some of my classes are going to be really tough. Particularly the theatre classes this semester.
3) I haven't even factored in rehearsals yet and those are going to be really rough I can tell.

Still I am enjoying my time back in Columbus. It is nice to have a private room so far because at least I do get a little bit of time to myself even if it is just a few minutes before I fall asleep and also I don't get woken up anymore. Thank goodness because I'm going to need a good nights sleep every night to get me through all of this.

I feel like turning 22 has brought responsibility into my life. People always ask you if you feel different after your birthdays. "How does it feel being 22 now?" I say that it feels like being an adult. An actual adult who has to make hard decisions and be responsible. This is something I am starting to realize and put into effect now.

Anyways...I just thought I would give a little update. But seriously I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard so I'm going to go to bed now. Sweet dreams!

Random Thoughts

Ok here are a couple of random thoughts.

1) I am soo excited about studying abroad. I seriously LOVE to travel and I can't wait for all the learning opportunities that will be available to me overseas. I mean this scholasticly (sp?) and also life experiences. I just want it to hurry up and get here.

2) It has been nice seeing my friends from high school. They are good people. :)

3) I am wondering how the hell I'm going to get through this upcoming semester. Even my weekends for the entire semester are completely booked almost with social events, auditions, and conferences/school requirements.

4) The more time I spend being single the more the thought of committment terrifies me. I like being close to men and to have them be invested in me but I don't want to actually invest my feelings into them. Does that make me a bad person or a smart person?

5)I don't want to live at home once I graduate...but it wouldn't make sense for me not to when I'm trying to save up money.

6)I need to drink more water. It would be good for me.

7) I am addicted to looking at expensive clothes online that I could never afford without winning the lottery.


yeah ok thats about it for now.