Like Humans Do

First of all I just want to say that Emily and Mac's wedding was beautiful and I am so happy that I got to be a part of it. I'm really so incrediblly happy for them. :)

I was so exhuasted after the wedding that I went to bed almost as soon as I got home. Then I woke up at 2:30am because I had a sad dream. In this dream Eddie and I met up and had this talk and basically reconciled everything and were friends again. Then he told me that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and sobbed in my arms and I held him and comforted him. Sometimes I hate my subconcious. I am moving on with my life and can honestly say that I'm happier right now without him in it, but every now and then he will pop up in my dreams and we'll either reconcile or fight. It always upsets me when this happens. I'd much rather dream about exciting adventures or romantic rendezvous and not real life problems that I have. I think its just my self conscious remindined me that I've never been ok with leaving people with bad feelings...but what can I really do in real life. He won't talk to me. He won't listen to me. He won't see what he's becoming. So...best to say nothing and focus on me. I wish my self conscious would get the memo.

So anyways...I've been up since about 2:30am and I was talking to Anthony online for awhile and he mentioned writing poetry. So I went searching in my xanga for poems that I have written over the year...and can I just say that what I found there was amazing. I've had a xanga since at least my senior year in high school and I've written in it pretty regularly and it is amazing the difference my personality has gone through. The years with Eddie were plagued with sad posts and "I'm feeling worthless entries" where in high school I was posting about being successful and happy all the time. I would really like to get back to this happy go lucky girl who had so much faith in people and zest for life.

anyways I thought that I would share this post of mine from high school because it made me smile. Here you go.

"Right now...I've managed to stop and make a lot of realizations. I'm a beautiful person. My friends are beautiful people...although we all make mistakes here and there(definatly including me). My life is a beautiful thing. Life itself is a beautiful thing.
How often do people stop and think about this. People get so caught up in the stress and the fakeness and the hustle and bustle of their schedules....of themselves. It makes me sick to see people just pretending to really live their lives. Pretending to be friends with people. Pretending that they are happy.
Wake up! Its all a dream. People are living in their own fantasy world...involving their own tragedies that they create when they want to shake up their lives. All those people who are so self absorbed with their own problems....there are millions of people dying every day. Be Thankful! You have everything you need to be happy handed to right to you.

"Love yourself. Even if the rest of the world abandons you, you will still be loved."

"Measure your life in love"

"Love your neighbor as you love yourself." (yes...I AM quoting the Bible)"


Guilty as charged. I have become what I hated. haha. But the good news is there is always room for improvement. People can change. That's part of what makes them so beautiful. So that is what I'm going to try and do. Change. Change back to this person who loved herself and all those she involved herself with.

and now...I am going to try to go back to sleep....because it is 6:45am and although in London it is a new day...here it is still night. So goodnight!

I'm Back. I'm Back.

So,
I'm back from London. The past three weeks were absolutely incredble. Sometimes I can't even believe that it happened. It all feels like a big dream sometimes. I learned so much. So so so much about Shakespeare, Art, History, Culture, and myself. I learned a lot about myself.

Its kind of depressing being back. I'm just so used to being in a place now where things are happening. Where I constantly have something to do and then I come back here and I just end up sitting around and doing nothing. I've realized that I thrive off of being busy. I always complain about never having any free time...but the truth is that when I do have free time I'm absolutely miserable. I am looking forward to going back to Columbus and seeing my friends. I've missed them a lot. It woud be nice if I could get a job too...just saying.

Still haven't heard from that theatre in California. I'm not sure if that is a bad sign or not. I really really want a job. Anyways...I'm going to try and find something to do. I need to go shopping I know that and clean out my car. So farewell for now.